Again and again and again...

No. Oh, no. I'm thinking of it again. Searching a job as an Italian teacher and moving to Berlin.

Why should I? I have a good job with a good income. Too bad I hate it. Well, maybe hate isn't the right word, but programming has never been my dream job. It's tedious and nerve-wracking at the same time, I definitely preferred the things I did during the internship at the theatre. But I was jobless when I got the offer 4 years ago and it sounded interesting at the time. And I thought "If I don't like it, I'll look for something else." But actually finding something is another thing entirely.

I've always said I would never become a teacher because I have no patience at all, but everyone keeps telling me I'd do great. I tutored pretty much my whole class during high school, and in Maths, the subject I hated most. Plus some English and German tutoring during university. Teaching my own language shouldn't be too difficult, I mean, I am a grammar freak after all. I even look up the etymology of words in the dictionary and find it funny. A bit of a brush up and...

There I go again. What's this need to leave it all behind and just run away? It must be because yesterday I was wasting time on MySpace and came across Schwarwel's drawing course. I remember I had read about it last summer, when there was still the chance I would do my internship in Leipzig, and since the course takes place there I thought "Whouldn't it be cool if I could make it?"

But things didn't go that way.

And then there's my writing. If only I could find a way to make a living out of it, but finding a publisher is so damn difficult. And all I have are short stories and unfinished novels. I thought of collaborating with some websites, and that's why I opened an Italian blog, but that's not easy either.

Why can't I be happy with what I have? What the fuck is wrong with me?